I’ve been a rural girl now for 9 months. When I first moved myself, my car and my few belongings, minus the stuff that simply didn’t fit into Theodore Binki the First (my Hyundai), I imagined quiet nights and mornings, traffic free rush hour, comfortable solitude, fresh, free coffee (my mum owns a bistro) and time for myself and my thoughts.
My imagination has not let me down.
Life is different. But is it better?
The isolation arising from small town living was expected. The actual living in isolation is more difficult to adjust too. The outside world rarely penetrates through the occasional visitor and newspaper article. Life, in a small town, for me, has left me vulnerable, prone to quiet (some call it rude) spells and a terrible hunger for conversations with stimulating people.
Living here, even with the occasional dip into the Big City out there, still leaves me feeling literally speechless. A good conversation, as judged subjectively by me, is rare and far apart. (I am lucky that I’m able to have these with my sister and mum, although they do struggle with my humour, something I’m working on). A spontaneous chuckle, a clever reply and a sip of red wine with a friend, is belligerently rare. And you realize that knowing the newest facts of the climate crisis, reading about the appalling conditions in Zimbabwe or arguing about the American gun culture, are a little less stimulating when it’s done exclusively via the internet.
A slow, I’m trying to understand what you are saying frown, a frustrated sigh, a touch to emphasize your point, a delighted smile at something well said, can mean so much, when it’s not there anymore.
Loneliness and isolation have been heady subjects of the human condition since before man took pen too paper. Everyone deals with isolation and loneliness in some form or another, in their lifetime. I know also, that my personal feelings of isolation and loneliness are a mere blip on the screen of the historical and current dramas of political, social and personal isolation that has been and is.
Loneliness and isolation is of course not limited to people in small, rural towns. I know that beneath my finely honed social calendar while living in the Big City, my loneliness and isolation was there too, but it was easier to acknowledge and thus, to avoid.
I hid my loneliness. Others, resort to sometimes extreme measures in order to avoid it. Many stick with boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, children, friends not out of love or admiration, but out of fear of loneliness. And yet few, no matter what they do, escape it. Loneliness seems to be an innate part of being human and I do not know many who have managed to eradicate it entirely from their lives, if that is at all possible.
I also do not know many who would pack their bags, hug their friends good-bye and move from a roaring city to a small country into an even smaller rural town. Some would cite this as temporary madness (many did), some, as a way of fleeing (all agreed). Sure, in some ways that would be true. My own motivation though, at the time, was not to flee, but to find a place where I could find myself (bah humbug) and where I would have the time to finish my BA degree.
In regard to my two goals, things have worked out well, or should I rather say, are working out well at the moment. I am studying and I am losing weight. I have got time for myself. Time, as you might agree, has become a precious commodity in our world. Here, time stands still, in some ways a positive, comfortable thing, in other ways; it has led to an inner stagnation in my opinion.
The charm with which many associate rural living, as portrayed in movies, books and even postcards, has an edge. And that edge, if you are not careful, can cut you. You may even end up bleeding.
Change, debate and especially equality, are frowned upon, heavily. Women still tend to be looked upon as servants and slightly stupid peripheral tools to men’s lives. A woman who regards herself as an equal is easily ostracized. Animal rights linger in the backyards of social responsibility. In the circles within which I move, due to my white skin and education, black people are subjected to unrealistic, unsustainable salaries and education is still seen as a privilege. I would not be completely taken by surprise, if the invention of the wheel is still frowned upon, seen as too much too soon.
Do I seem unduly harsh on this town?
The rise and evolution of technology, science, human rights and awareness has not led to a great society, although it has led to a powerful civilization, one which is capable of destroying the very planet we live on. In fact, this is happening right now. So I am not saying that the evolution of our society is so wonderful, that their very absence denotes inbreeding, but I also don’t think that it is right that perms are still considered fashionable here. (I don’t!)
On a personal level, I just think that thinking about change, thinking about its consequences, some good some bad, is a unique human ability. Why ignore it and why label all change as evil or unsound?
In a way, living here, has subdued me, for good or for bad. I tend not to bellow my opinions aloud anymore (not that this was acceptable in the first place), simply because I know that my relative acceptance in this community, is subjective to the approval of those around me. So I try not to piss them off.
Instead I have resorted to chatting to friends online when I have the chance. I read foreign newspapers, blogs, and magazines ferociously. If I don’t, it is not a question of if, but of when I will resort to small town mentality, in its entirety. I have seen victims, and it’s not a pretty picture.
Is it frivolous to want to live a quiet, rural life and have stimulating conversations at the same time? Perhaps it is a case of wanting to eat the cake and icing and not gaining any weight. But, at the same time, is it too much to want to live in a small community that does not condemn open-mindedness, change, equality and the protection of animals, despite the isolation? Or is it simply endemic that in isolation we stop growing, thinking and wondering?
I do not think that isolation and loneliness lead to failure. I think that some of the best writing, journalism, philosophy and science have arisen from those two linked states of being. But I do think, even if this leads to being called a communist again (any liberal, left leaning politics is still labeled as communism) that isolation is too often used as an excuse not to move forward, to stop thinking critically of the world you live in and to stagnate. This I find sad, even shocking, especially as I have seen it in some persons I used to admire.
I also realize that some of the worst cases of loneliness and isolation happen right in the middle of sprawling cities and countries. Loneliness and isolation do not happen in particular situations, but can come from a myriad of possible scenarios. Perhaps it is simply one of the few constants, something we can not escape no matter where or who we are. Perhaps it is even necessary. Unavoidable. Unstoppable. Who knows?
In a Big City however, you can run from the loneliness; I know this because I did this for a very long time. In that life, instead of feeling lonely, you phone a friend, go to the movies, drink, smoke, talk, sing, dance and scream. And if you are lucky, the bartender doesn’t throw you out, and even drives you home afterwards (this is another story of course)
Here, I have found, it is impossible to run. Aside from the fact that the only pub in town is in love with De La Ray and the customers seem to like wearing shirts with bulls on them, there really is only so much you can do to distract yourself.
So, I have found, the only way to face isolation here, is to completely emerge yourself into it, to enfold that feeling around you like a wet blanket, and then to hope for the best. I go for walks, read, write, watch the occasional interesting DVD that manages to make its pirated way here and think. I even painted one night, but the less said about that the better.
Perhaps, if I’m lucky, I will find that soon the words isolation and loneliness do not enter my mind any more. In time, I will come to see this as life, a sometimes dull one, but also peaceful and intimate. In the meantime, I have found some lovely places to walk the dogs. Nature, after all, is the one perfect thing that small towns offer with abundance and generosity.
ps although I know that no one from my small town will read this (try explaining a blog to them) I just want to add that above thoughts are subjective and not well rounded, and that I have actually met a few great people here. Does it matter that they are usually visitors and do not stay for long? Sigh.
