Since I can remember my life has been marked by obsessive and addictive behaviour. Often, my behaviours and addictions created a sphere of loneliness around me which could be even more debilitating that the personality defects and deficits.

The acts I chose, unconsciously or drunkenly or stoned, to commit, were not the kind of acts many people could understand or even tolerate.

And, in time, I obviously had to make some tough choices and do some rather strict inner searching, in order to live life without the ups and downs which addiction caused.

I overcame cocaine addiction when I was about 29. Then I stopped drinking when I turned 33. But, less than a year later, I was back at the bottle. For the first year, all went ok. Until the past few months.

I have tumbled so deep into the rabbit hole of unfathomable, shameful and painful problem drinking, that once again, I stand at the steep decline of loneliness and utter desolation.

And so, on Thursday, three days ago, I took a vow to once again quit drinking. And since I live in the middle of nowhere there is no Alcoholics Anonymous to turn too. No support group. And since I pissed them off, no friends.

I am lucky that my partner remains with me. But at the moment I feel so lost and afraid, that I'm doing quite a decent job at pushing him away. Away from this wreck of a human being who has once again, after so many many times, committed the ultimate no-no in the world of the non-addicts - demonstrated how sad and pathetic we as addicts can become when we allow the source of our anguish to completely overwhelm us.

And so here I stand - an addict - facing a lifetime of no beer and wine - feeling sad, lost and alone. And I reach out to anyone out there - is anyone listening?